Wednesday, February 10, 2010

In one moment everything changed... or did it???

Okay this is the week.... Week number 52... 52 weeks ago on February 13th, 2009 I drove home from the hospital where we just completed a slew of testing, and as I drove I was trying to figure out the nurses facial expression... I remember her saying that she cannot tell me anything and that I should probably give my doctor a call..... I actually asked her "should I call him today or wait until Monday" really I was just trying to get a clue out of her.... She knew... and I knew she knew... She just put a smile on her face and said "I would call him today"... So as I drive I am thinking out loud, hmmmm does that mean I will have a good weekend if I call today, and she is just wanting me to not stress over it anymore, or does she know its bad and as a mom herself knows I need to know... hmmmm back and forth the mind wonders... and then there is the theory that No news is Good news... Ugggg my cell phone died, so I cannot call anyone, so my mind just keeps wondering.... I continue to drive home battling my own fears.... - should I call before I go back to work or after I go to work hmmmm... Your whole life you go through situations where you worry about the worst happening, and sometimes get yourself all worked up only to realize you made a situation all drama'd out for nothing..... but this time it really did feel different, all the pieces fit, and in the back of my mind I already knew, but I was protecting myself from the reality of what no one wants to hear..... So on my thirty minute drive I just kept trying to decide when and where and how I would receive the news.... maybe I shouldn't call I really have allot of work to get done today.... and I really want to enjoy this weekend.. and I really don't want to hear want they might say, so okay maybe I will just go to work.... but uhhh I really need to call today and if I am at work when I find out that would be bad - right... really uncomfortable to be upset in front of others.... oh what to do... okay go in and let Lane finish his nuggets and get ready for work... okay just one thing at a time.... Okay we can do that.... I go in the house and grag the phone to let everyone know I am back and there it was..... on the caller ID.... my doctors phone number... ugggg..... my heart sank, that was it... no since in guessing anymore... Doctors never ever ever call this fast with good news, or no news.... sigh....... Well the decision was made no putting off the unavoidable.... gotta face it now, no work, no weekend.... Just news.....

I tried to remain silent as I call the doctors office back, I wanted to keep my composure (honestly who really cares), but at that moment I felt I had to not have a melt down, had to be strong... (which by the way was one of the first things I had to throw out the window, my pride, and trying to do it in my own strength.. God's loves my tears :) ) I am numb..... but I call, and yep they tried calling my work, and my dead cell phone, and my house... yep not so good news ahead.... and they were waiting for my return call... Never a good sign right... but of course I am still trying to talk myself out of it... but our wonderful doctor gets on, and he really doesn't have to say much, I already knew.. But he did his best to offer some consoling words.... Which by the way I actually felt bad for him at that point, I never realized before how hard it is for doctors to be the bearer of bad news.....

Okay now what??? I didn't know what to do... Call my husband, not call my husband.... Not that I didn't want to tell him or feel his comfort... but that I wanted him to enjoy just a little longer the feeling of no worries.... Life as it was.... No fears...... and I knew the moment I called, he would come rushing home to feel just as helpless as me....

This one moment in time changed everything, our path took a hard right.... Or did it???

The following week we sat in front of a man in a white coat listening attentively as he explained to us that the life we once knew is no longer and that our new life will require us to dig deep and gain from what ever source necessary to take on the fight.... Lane's Fight.... He sugar coated nothing, yet gracefully (if that is possible in this type of situation) went on to explain that Lane's fight will require allot of medication, future hospitalizations, and a future lung transplant.... He went on to describe the affects of this terrible disease including damage to his pancreas, and liver..... He laid upon us the need for courage, dedication, understanding, commitment, positivity, HOPE for a cure, and most importantly FAITH... It has never been more clear than at this very moment, that this journey we cannot take alone... and I am so glad we haven't... God has now comforted me the last 362 days, and it has been amazing to witness what wonderful things he has done to not only my spirit but that of my husband as well....

I really felt my life had taken a hard right, and dumped me into the completely unknown.... Or did it??

To be Continued -

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Good post!

    Yeah, you never realize how much your life really changes in just those small moments.


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