Right when I think I am doing really really good is when I stumble... I guess it is a good way of keeping myself in check... I have given all control up to God, well at least I think I have, I think I probably hold onto to it a bit here or there, but for the most part I think I have handed it over... In this life, I am not in control... It is not in my hands.... I do not control Lane's health... I can take him to the doctors, scrub nebs cups, do treatments but in the end I am not in control of this situation.... I have no control over finances.... Or anything else.. Sometimes that feels good, cause I don't worry about it, I hand it all over to God and let him handle it, and well at other times I stumble thinking I somehow have control over it, when in reality I don't.... I start drowning in the humiliation, and just want to resolve the situation without going any further... I get tired and just want all this to be over with, knowing that it never will.. We have signed up for the long haul and we have excepted that and have handed it over to God...
yet I stumble...
and I am learning to be grateful for it....
This is not my disease, at times I act like it is.... I throw my fit, and stomp my feet, and weep for my precious son... But it is his disease...
There are times he just HATES this disease, he hates treatments... He stomps his feet, and throws his fit, and weeps over having this permanent roommate that just causes him grief... and sometimes he is just plan sick and tired of it... and he stumbles...
Now one could argue that he stumbles because I stumble.... And that I must keep it together all the time so that he keeps it together all the time....
But I would argue that "I" stumble so that I can "SEE" he stumbles too..... He gets tired too, He gets sad and angry and frustrated about it too.. And that is OKAY....
As long as you are able to quickly pick yourself back up and move on, it is okay to fall apart.. It is okay to not be Okay all the time....
It is okay that he throws a fit, stomps his feet and yells at the thought of yet ANOTHER treatment... Its not fair, its not fun, its not OKAY...
and sometimes he just needs to know it is okay to stumble, as long as he picks himself back up and forges on...
Who ever said they have to be brave ALL the time... yes there is no doubt, these children are MADE TOUGH, with an extra dose of courage, strength, fight, and determination.. but they also need to stumble...
I am grateful that I stumble, so I can "SEE" it is okay for him to stumble too....
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Lovely post Marcy, so very very true in many ways. I hope you will all find an end to your current situation and things will again be more simple.
ReplyDeleteTake care and thank you for the continued support you give us.
xxx
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.” -Alex Tan
ReplyDeleteI think you make a very good point in this post - it IS okay to fall apart sometimes. What really matters is that we pick ourselves back up and keep moving on.
I will be praying for you today. As I read your post the music in the background made me cry. And so timely for this post. I love that song..WOw....He'll take your fret and your fear and just imagine the view when it's only YOU Jesus!!
ReplyDeleteTake my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned
And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord
Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights, be my everything
And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it’s only You!