Monday, June 22, 2009

Day 5.... Has Job really always been in the Bible????

Feeling that I was so spiritually filled up with God's love, I truly believed I could serve God in many ways.. I couldn't wait to see what he had in store for me... In the previous two years I grew in areas I didn't think was possible and God changed me for the better.... I could really help people, so I thought..... I was eager to follow him down that next path in my journey, and I knew it was going to be big.... Big it was, so big it knocked me over and drowned me in grief that I was never prepared for.. I previously described seeing the devil himself face to face... i could not hide from it, it consumed my thoughts every moment of the day, and it filled my nights with nightmares... I saw a side of mankind and the devil all in one.... fear like that doesn't leave you... Unable to form words, I only remember God telling me, "my child you do not need to utter a word, I can hear your pain". I know my father carried me during that year. I was not angry with God for what had happened, I just didn't understand, and still don't... I remember telling him over and over "you have rendered me useless, I cannot help anyone now, my spirit is crushed, and I don't know how to get it back". "Why would you render me useless, I cant serve you like this, I am broken". This event has left a haunting memory that I have never been able to heal from, the best I could do was learn to live with it... and that is still a very painful place to be.... Our family suffered in silence which only made it worse, and I have never really found a way for God and I to deal with it.... It is a life changing thing, to experience such suffering... I never knew the human body could posses that much sadness, that much anger, hatred, grief... You don't just get over things like this and move on.... They haunt you.... The other day I was holding Lane up to the freezer, he of course was taking his time choosing what he wanted to eat and I said "okay hurry up I cant hold you forever, I am not strong enough.." it hit me at that moment that I being of the human flesh, am not strong enough to hold him up there forever.... But my father is... Only my father needed to stop carrying me at some point so that I could continue to heal and regain my faith and hope back, along with my relationship with him... I had learned to live with it, but I never healed.... So I now know that this is a big bump in my path, I cant just keep going around it I have to level it.... So I say "okay God, where do you want me to go, this Bible is a big book and I know the answers have to be in here somewhere. I look up grief in the concordance, and it starts listing several different verses that deal with grief... I scroll down several verses and stop at Job 2.... Not knowing what the book of Job was about, it was my first pick (God's First Pick).... Okay lets go to Job.. I thumb through the books and land on Job 2 (Job's Second Test) ... I start to read and read a little more... whoa I was in shock... I am sure I have heard some of Job before at sometime, it probably never applied to me, so it went in run ear and out the other... But was this book always here, because the similarity is daunting... I was so taken back by this entire book... Now I do not claim to be the blameless and upright man that Job was, but I truly felt that God had handed me over to the devil such as happened with Job. I could not sympathize with Job more when he said in Job 7 :13-14 "When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions." I was truly touched by Job's three friends comforting him, as I recall the select few friends who have never left my side concerning this period in my life.. (we are off to a healing start here )...
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