Random insanity....

This is randomness, because life is life and sometimes you just don't know where to put it all.. And whether it makes sense or not to anyone else, or if it was not even read by another human being is okay.... That is what blogging is all about, having somewhere to put it all, a place to write it down, to type in a laugh or tear and then let it go... Okay so maybe some are read, my therapy is learning to be me regardless of anyones opinion ( which isn't easy by the way) try it.. seriously try it.... could you really admit to everything, really everything... and I am not saying that anyone should.. Maybe it is too much, but then again how can anyone ever know if they never knew.. This last year has been so insanely life changing that I am not sure just how much until this last weekend... We went to the Pro B Ranch Fishing Tournament ( which was awesome and will post later), and it hit me on that bank that I am not the same, I view things totally differently, and for the most part in a good positive more appreciative way.... I know allot of me changed for the better, wanting to make the best out of every opportunity, and taking nothing for granted... But other things happened as well... The sacrifices are always present. Your problems don't truly vanish, we work through them and in time we have either resolved them or just don't let them bother us anymore. Sometimes my worry is not worrying enough as I attempt to make miracles happen and sometimes let other things slide that I know I should take care of, but I don't because I really don't care. Typically just creating more problems for myself. Do you know in the last six months I have had every bill or service shut off... How insane is that... Some maybe due to lack of job, but most of them were lack of caring or lack of memory, and believe me I have not had my electric shut of in well my whole life until this year.. There is just part of me I lost this year, and sometimes I worry I will never get it back... Maybe I am just testing the waters, or maybe I am holding out for a miracle or just hope that some little fairy dust floats my way and poof problems vanished....


By the way does anyone know just how many miracles we do get... If there is a limit I don't want to use all mine up...


I truly struggle with knowing exactly the path my life needs to take, yet not knowing how to get there. There is no question in my mind the direction God is leading me, its just the long walk through the desert that wears on me. You know that feeling that you just want to fast forward two years because you will be done with these problems, but at the same time I do not want to fast forward at all... I want time to stand still... I guess the biggest problem is I don't know what to do, I don't have the answers, and pretty well am in control of nothing... which by the way, do you have any idea how uncomfortable that is.... I use to be in control of way too much and now less than a year later I am in control of nothing... Which in some ways feels good and in other ways feels terrible...


Sometimes I am amazed with the distance I have traveled, and other times I am just overwhelmed with the distance I have to go...


Every moment my hope is revived and diminished all by one single breath...

And sometimes I don't know where to put all that, so I blog my insanity, and pick myself back up and forward go..... Cause that is what life is.... Its messy, and I am in for the long haul.... My stubborn personality was no mistake, God instilled in me drive, and fight, and a competitive streak to never quit until I conquer and uh now I know why.... We gotta lot to do, and we will never quit no matter how gray life may look, because behind every gray cloud is a rainbow... And no matter how bad life may seem, life is good... Real Good...