Returned from my 40 days....

My time is up... 40 days and 40 nights is over... which means I may now go and check out my facebook and my myspace... my peeps probably thought I was being a real rudie..... but before I go back to the full cyber space world I want to see what I accomplished in the last month and a half.... I am still writing about many of the following and some of them are quite lengthy so I will simply list them for now..... and fill in more later... I am planning to continue some of the spiritual habits I have obtained during this journey and use them to continue to spiritually grow... I shall seek him first... and above all else.... Kinda sad my 40 days are over and plan on doing it again... It sure brought allot of quiet time, peace and healing... I think I should do this every year.... we shall see...

During my Journey I -

Experienced the book of Job - and received allot of needed healing. This was really big....

Read my Bible and Prayed more faithfully.

Spent allot more quiet time with God....

Came to terms with Lanes current diagnosis, at least as much as I think one can...

Wept for the loss of a wonderful friend to cystic fibrosis my SURFER GIRL... That is still a tough one.

Accomplished changing some bad habits, and replacing them with good habits... surprised even myself....

Made a conscious effort to not take my loved ones for granted...

Graduated two of my children out of thier medical equipment... Yeah!!! although they have not been released from medical care yet - No more boot and arm thingie...

Took on the coupon world again, hoping to save allot of money.....

Enjoyed a lot more family time, and am committed to making sure there is a lot more of it....

Really really appreciated the small things... it is amazing how much brighter things are when we appreciate the smallest of Gods Blessings.....


Laughed more, prayed more, played more, and loved a whole lot more...

Counted my blessing often, because I am absolutely blessed...

Day 26... Isaiah 30:15

In quietness and trust is your strength - Isaiah 30:15 NIV

Day 21!!! The two by four...

God sent my journey straight into the book of Job... I will start out by saying if one starts the book of Job, you must finish it.... that is to grasp the full affect of the two by four.... Don't misunderstand me, I do not reference the two x four as a painful experience but that often things are right in front of me and I stumble about lost trying to make sense of things and when I hear it straight from God I wonder why I made it so complicated to begin with... I realized that guess what, I don't know everything, in fact I am not so sure I know anything lol... yep you heard it from the horses mouth I don't know much at all.... In the big spectrum of things, the spectrum of my life.... I do not know how to suspend the moon, or make the sun rise. I do not know how to make the thunder clash or send a lightning bolt across the sky. I can not make a rainbow appear or a star to fall. I have never been able to figure out how the puffy white clouds are suspended and move so gracefully across the sky. What makes a lightening bug light, and what are their purpose anyway? No matter all my efforts in planning, I can never know what will happen seven days from now at noon. I don't know how to tame a lion or even a dog for that matter. I do not know the number of my days, or even understand the complexity of how to make the moon, sun, & stars come together perfectly to form a day. I cannot teach a bird to sing, or understand their song. In the big spectrum, I don't know much at all.

I trained employees for the past several years, and my field is a very complex and difficult field to train in. I remember telling each of them that there was no way I could possibly teach them everything in a day or a month and that they will most likely be confused.. I also tried to explain to them to give it a year, in order to see all the seasons and everything would start clicking.... No matter how much I could tell them, every situation is different and may result in a whole new set of rules... I can recall someone getting frustrated thinking I was holding out on them... When the truth of the matter is you can teach and train continuously and you will still run into a completely different circumstance that you had not previously covered... I took a lot of pride in our employees and always wanted each and every one of them to succeed and feel confident about the work, most likely more than they themselves ever realized. For those who hung in there for at least a year, it all started to make sense and I think they understood that it is really a very complex environment and along with all the training they must really allow time to experience all the seasons as well... I must have said a hundred times to please trust me it will all come together..

God is now saying to me - my child this is a very complex situation (life).. and I know you do not understand. I am trying my best to teach you, train you and prepare you for all the situations that are before you, but I cannot teach you in a day or a month, but in a lifetime.... So please just TRUST me and hang in here with me for 1 lifetime and it will all make sense. I cannot explain all I know, but all these complex situation will all unfold before you and you will clearly understand.... Just 1 lifetime. Just follow me, trust me, I am not setting you up to fail, I am pouring my soul into you so that you will succeed. Just 1 lifetime and you will see...

I realize I really do not know anything at all, and that is okay, I just need to follow and have faith... My father is never trying to mislead or confuse me.... I always said I was not angry with God for things that had happened, and I really wasn't angry, I was frustrated and sad, and didn't understand.... I still don't understand, but I need to grasp that I don't need too.. Some things will be revealed to me in time, and others things wont make sense until the end.. But God has the whole picture, he does see how it all unfolds. He knows there will be good times and bad times and that I will be frustrated and broken at times, and he is just asking me to hang in there... Why do I continue to question him as if I know better than he. This life is very complex and I need to stop trying to figure it out.... I need to experience all the seasons... and in experiencing all the seasons it is okay to be exactly who I am... A child still learning, and growing, and looking to my father to pick me up when I stumble, embrace me when I am broken, to encourage me try again when I fail, rejoice with me when I succeed, and most of all love me unconditionally....

I was hit square between the eyes with a 2x4...

Job (From the BIBLE, of course I could also use the other form as well J.O.B., but this is in reference to the Bible)..... Earth Shattering for me that is.... Wow... I think I was hit in the head with a 2x4.... Thank God!!!

Selfless Acts of Kindness..... Nicole....

My Wednesday was rather weepy, as I ventured over to myspace to find my dear friend and she was nowhere to be found.... Nicole entered my life in such a way that there was no question it was a "Divine Intervention From God".... Nicole possessed one of the most inspirational spirits I have ever known... She had the perfect combination of giving you enough push to inspire you to give it all you have, and enough understanding and compassion that no matter where you were on your own journey that she NEVER minimized your struggles... In fact, I remember clearly Fat Tuesday.. After sending Nicole a ridiculous email about my struggles with Lane having to get poked all the time (which is so so so so so minor compared to her health status at the time) I didn't get a response.... She was in a sterile hospital with nothing to do, so I quickly got worried after one day turned into two and three and then a week..... So worried i had spent hours surfing the internet going through obituary's to try and find out if something had happened to her (I never shared that with her)..... It just wasn't like her to vanish.... so everyday I just kept checking the obits.... Then poof out of nowhere she resurfaces, apologizing for scaring the poop out of me....... She goes on to tell me how she had coded (my gut was right, which scared me even more) and she discusses her experience with coding ( which uhhh is the biggest problem anyone could have and totally trumps my little issues with pokes) but Nicole being the amazing person she was goes right into talking about the pokes I wrote her about a week prior... she writes "I'm soo sorry your son had such an awful poker! I always had a 2 limit rule. They got two pokes and if they weren't successful they were to call someone else in to try. Might be a calming rule for both you and your son so when it happens, he'll know that if the person completely sucks at drawing blood or starting an IV someone good will be in soon!" Shocked with her selfless kindness, I respond telling her "See that is why I told you that you could laugh over my bad poker deal lol.. I am new at all this and so I am still at the baby steps of a blood draw... one day I will look back and laugh as well... and I will remember your 2 limit rule, i am learning as I go..." and still she does not minimize my problems, still offering me comfort as she goes on to say "no need to apologize about baby steps! everyone has to start somewhere and i'm simply grateful i can help you in any way possible!!! like i said- never be afraid to ask me questions! i'm sorry i scared the p out of you- i thought about you sooo many times and was scared you'd wonder what happened, but i figured you'd understand when i explained things to you ;)" Wow, this young woman, all of 28 years still worried about me being worried about her, and my issues with pokes all the while this was her week "Sooo sorry for the delay! Unfortunately- last week was a very bad week. Tuesday started out FATASTIC! I felt great! Around noon I coded- my blodd pressure dropped, my sats dropped below 60, my lungs wouldn't stop bleeding and I couldn't breathe or stay conscious so they called a rapid response code blue and ended up life flighting me to Indianapolis (about 2 1/2 hours away) for an embolization. I spent tuesday night in and out of consciousness in the ICU and spent 5 hours in surgery Wednesday" And yep after experiencing that kinda week she was still comforting me... She was absolutely indescribably amazing.... No ordinary Lady here... She NEVER minimized anything I was going through, no matter how ridiculous it may have been compared to her battling for her life.... she was always thinking of everyone else first.... The most important lesson of all that she taught me was living every moment of everyday.... I was never fortunate enough to ever know her wonderful parents, but wow they raised the most amazing daughter.... I know that God has not only fitted her with a set of Golden Wings, he has given her a set of Golden Lungs as well, Breathe Easy....

Day 12!!! Let it Rain

Waiting in the hot Oklahoma heat, for the wonderful air conditioner guy to come save our day, we cooled off with the back yard slip n slide.... I will praise Him in the good times, and I will praise Him in the not so good times....... And praise God, he sent the air conditioner guy and it is now so nice and cool in our house.... It always makes you appreciate something even more when you go without.... So.... Let it Rain, Let it Rain... Open the flood gates of Heaven and Let it Rain..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26klgMfYOIk click on the link to listen now... Ahhh how amazing our Lord is.....

Day 12!!! And He Said, There Shall Be POOP!!! Whoot....

Yes I am proud to announce we have finally had a bowel movement free of blood Whoot Whoot, must just been one of those weird things...... or maybe it was the wedgie he received on the water slide lol... whichever we praise God...

Day 11!! My Sisters Keeper!!! BE AN ORGAN DONOR

My Sister's Keeper is a movie, I along with many many others cant wait to go see..... Here is what i want everyone to remember... When you come out of that theater with wet eyes, don't let it end there..... make a difference, make it count... Organ Donation is FREE, and you have an awesome opportunity to save a life... I have an awesome friend "Surfer Girl" in the hospital right now fighting for her life... She needs a new set of lungs and she is not alone. There are many people in need of an organ transplant and unfortunately some will pass while on the waiting list... It doesn't have to be that way... Imagine what a difference it would make if everyone would go get that little red heart on their drivers license, or sign an organ donor card and let their family know their wishes to save a life.... If you live by me I have lots of organ donor packs (in every language) stop by and I will gladly give you one, or call me and I will not hesitate to drop one off to you..... So go and enjoy an awesome movie, but don't let it end there.... BE AN ORGAN DONOR.... SAVE A LIFE!!! YOU TOO CAN BE A HERO!!!

Day? Not Sure.. Dont like the poop so lets go swim..

Well much has come out my hiatus so far.... #1 Job which I am still studying... anyone who has been or is in suffering must go through the entire book... Taking this time to slow down and spend some much needed quite time with God was much over due.... #2 I have absolutely enjoyed this little things in life each day that really really really matter... praise the Lord...... When you isolate yourself from things around you (for healthy purposes) wow how quickly you can start to get things going on the right track again... Not that my problems are solved, but I have a lot more peace, getting refilled.... I however really miss all my Internet connections, and totally fill out of the loop, I would LOVE to rejoin my cyber world, but I will have patience to wait until day 41... seriously most will probably not even know I was gone lol... I did however have to break a rule and start checking my e-mail... we have several different things going on, and man are we a cyber world now or what....... So I found that in order to still take care of the day to day stuff I had to use the e-mail..... Guess this is trial by error... lol.. What day is it anyway???? My little guy had some really bad bloody stools yesterday, and he was not constipated actually totally bulky lots of mucous... really had a good poop week, so I really don't know where that came from... total downer... but checked in with CF Doc and if it is good by Monday ( which I am praying for) then we are not going to worry about it... If it continues this weekend then we will see a pediatric gastric Dr... So now I am waiting to see more poop and now he IS constipated ugh.... not sure if that is a good sign or bad.... so now trying the softeners.. I really don't like this poop thing.... So we decided to change the topic and have some fun n the sun....

Toe-riffic Tuesday!!!

Blackwell Oklahoma baby pool, absolutely free and very relaxing...

This is the Aquatic Wrinkling, notice I was in the pool as long as Lane.... This happens within just a few moments of being in water...

Our Fathers Day Smores Yum Yum!!

Day 5.... Has Job really always been in the Bible????

Feeling that I was so spiritually filled up with God's love, I truly believed I could serve God in many ways.. I couldn't wait to see what he had in store for me... In the previous two years I grew in areas I didn't think was possible and God changed me for the better.... I could really help people, so I thought..... I was eager to follow him down that next path in my journey, and I knew it was going to be big.... Big it was, so big it knocked me over and drowned me in grief that I was never prepared for.. I previously described seeing the devil himself face to face... i could not hide from it, it consumed my thoughts every moment of the day, and it filled my nights with nightmares... I saw a side of mankind and the devil all in one.... fear like that doesn't leave you... Unable to form words, I only remember God telling me, "my child you do not need to utter a word, I can hear your pain". I know my father carried me during that year. I was not angry with God for what had happened, I just didn't understand, and still don't... I remember telling him over and over "you have rendered me useless, I cannot help anyone now, my spirit is crushed, and I don't know how to get it back". "Why would you render me useless, I cant serve you like this, I am broken". This event has left a haunting memory that I have never been able to heal from, the best I could do was learn to live with it... and that is still a very painful place to be.... Our family suffered in silence which only made it worse, and I have never really found a way for God and I to deal with it.... It is a life changing thing, to experience such suffering... I never knew the human body could posses that much sadness, that much anger, hatred, grief... You don't just get over things like this and move on.... They haunt you.... The other day I was holding Lane up to the freezer, he of course was taking his time choosing what he wanted to eat and I said "okay hurry up I cant hold you forever, I am not strong enough.." it hit me at that moment that I being of the human flesh, am not strong enough to hold him up there forever.... But my father is... Only my father needed to stop carrying me at some point so that I could continue to heal and regain my faith and hope back, along with my relationship with him... I had learned to live with it, but I never healed.... So I now know that this is a big bump in my path, I cant just keep going around it I have to level it.... So I say "okay God, where do you want me to go, this Bible is a big book and I know the answers have to be in here somewhere. I look up grief in the concordance, and it starts listing several different verses that deal with grief... I scroll down several verses and stop at Job 2.... Not knowing what the book of Job was about, it was my first pick (God's First Pick).... Okay lets go to Job.. I thumb through the books and land on Job 2 (Job's Second Test) ... I start to read and read a little more... whoa I was in shock... I am sure I have heard some of Job before at sometime, it probably never applied to me, so it went in run ear and out the other... But was this book always here, because the similarity is daunting... I was so taken back by this entire book... Now I do not claim to be the blameless and upright man that Job was, but I truly felt that God had handed me over to the devil such as happened with Job. I could not sympathize with Job more when he said in Job 7 :13-14 "When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions." I was truly touched by Job's three friends comforting him, as I recall the select few friends who have never left my side concerning this period in my life.. (we are off to a healing start here )...

Day 3 a.m. I discoved God and I are on a Stand Off...

Yesterday, swinging on the porch swing (only don't have porch) I start speaking to God.... "Okay Lord, I think I have figured out that we are on a stand off... Not that I want to question you... and I know that in order for me to heal and move forward, I must throw in the white flag... Why does that seem so difficult at times.... I know that the last few years have placed me in unfamiliar territory.... I know this has nothing to do with finances or mounting bills, this is much deeper than that.... This is my heart, my spirit, me.... "

"Going through the years of court battle, u tested me, and I grew in leaps and bounds....... I prayed, I meditated, I followed... Maybe not in the beginning, but once I handed it all over to you I followed... There was no confusion in my mind as, you provided the thousands and thousands of dollars it required for us to stand up for ourselves. You provided each step of the way as we encountered crooked attorneys, crooked Judges, and a failing justice system. You took a completely impossible situation and turned it into a triumph as you gave me the courage to continue to fight and stand up for what was right. You led me to an attorney with integrity, removed the Judge from the bench and replaced him with a Judge of Honor, and you reversed everything that had previously happened... It was a long process, one which taught me patience, and faith.... There was no doubt going into the courtroom that day, that you were totally in control... I was up at 5 am praying and meditating, trying to clear my fears that I may lose my attorney that day, for lack of funds concerning her latest bill, and even having to face her. We had words on the phone concerning the bill, and I had to hand that over to you as well..... My heart was heavy with anticipation that morning, yet filled with excitement knowing you were going to shine through me that day.... I remember saying 'God is all over this', there was NO doubt in my mind... It was the most comforting feeling... I wanted to announce it from the roof tops, I didn't know what would happen that day, but I knew it was going to be awesome.... I have never in my life felt so connected with you... I trusted you with every breath I took, you were my father, teaching me, leading me, and providing for me...." to be continued.

Day 2 a.m. Kinda messed this one up..

My goal is to start the day with my Bible reading vs doing it during the evening or even at midnight... I am a firm believer that if you start the day with Christ he will be with you all day.... The mornings just seem to be a little crazy and before you know it, it is noon and then evening... So my goal was to start this morning with the bible reading.... To some this may not matter much, but it has been proven to me over and over that the morning time sure sets the tone for the day.... So this morning was a miss, and it shouldn't have been cuz it may have changed the heart of the 8 am bill collector... so try try and try again is my motto, I WILL get this time switched from night to morning.....

Day 1 continued "seek his face always" psalm 105:4

First, for no other purpose than to see how far I have come in 40 days. I must document the now... In 8 months my husband lost his mother, the economy went south causing my husband to work less (although grateful he is working Yeah) our son was diagnosed with CF, I lost my job, another son broke his foot, our daughter had surgery, our medical bills grew while our income went south... Poor is okay, because I know that poor makes you grateful, poor makes you humble, and poor gives you hope because at a certain point you can only go up.... I think I can handle it once I finish falling down the 20 flights of stairs it takes to get there.... When you are trying so desperately to hold on to things, is when you struggle the most.... dealing with the CF is a complete other issue, one which requires coming to terms with it. My hope is that our family will grow together, lead my God.... That we can all embrace each other, no matter our circumstance... We are more fortunate than many.... Many are in worse situations than ourselves, and I feel guilty even complaining... My intent is not to complain but to document what wonderful works God can do in my life in 40 days.. Because I know he will... some of this stuff is absolutely embarrassing, but I know that the first step in this is honestly.... Being honest with myself.. Of course I also need to be thoughtful of the rest of my family..... I would not want to embarrass them in the process of me working through my struggles....

I will start this by saying uh having no one but God to complain is kinda weird... Part of the reason for this adventure is not only to have alone time with God and work through issues but also to solely rely on him for my comfort... It is always nice and comforting to find a kind and supporting word here and there, and I know that God absolutely puts people in our paths to help encourage us along in life, but I need to start with the basics.... the foundation, because sometimes God may be all you have... and I need a strong, foundation, so that when people encourage me or send kind words my way it is a double dose of greatness.... but not expected or necessary for me to function.... Psalm 105:4 "Look to the Lord and his strength, seek his face always" I need God to be enough to fulfill my every need.. from the core of me out... I remember feeling completely consumed with God's love... so much so that I knew no one or nothing could break me.... Okay so something did (that, God and I will work through on another day)but I want that feeling back.... I need that feeling back, that glow that when you walk around people say "man I need some of what she has" and "where do I get some of that" and I can simple say GOD... the one and only.....


Today started with calling several places trying to get a hold of our problems with thousands of dollars worth of medical bills... not real fun just calls that have to be made... man can those bills pile up fast... and then there is the other stack that well, I cannot even get to cuz what would I tell them... Have no money, have not learned how to make it grow yet, I'll call you when I figure it out... so that pile, I am embarrassed to say I don't even open... which led me to my next problem, I didn't open all the bills... Nope didn't open them... so I had to deal with that today... okay this is when I say "God, I need you here, I am weak and this has to come from you, what do I do...." okay I kinda went into a sobbing story with this lady, which tells me if I had called before she could have helped, but it is too late now... I sobbing and blubbering tell her, I have been under so much pressure that I didn't even open it... I really feel bad for this poor lady, I told her sorry I knew it wasn't her fault it was mine, but I have just had a really crappy year so far... bless her heart she puts me on hold and after I sat there for what seemed like forever praying to God, "please God, just a little mercy here" she arrives back on the phone with allowing me to get things straightened out... Okay God, thank you thank you thank you..... I feel bad I even take this for granted knowing how many people are literally homeless.... we are not homeless, we have a nice home that we rent, and that our landlord and a family friend, along with my husband worked really hard to make very nice after Lane was diagnosed... why am I complaining... I have no reason too.... we move on and to be honest I felt a lot of peace today knowing that God and I are going to be working on all of this together over the next 40 days and that on day 41 I hope to be glowing again.....










Highlight Tay got her braces off yesterday yeah Tay!!!! She informed me today as I was taking her pic, that she already posted it on facebook. she was surprised I hadn't seen it.... I informed her that she must be outta the loop, I am on a 40 day 40 night journey with God and no facebook allowed... Sorry




Here are my funnies for yesterday and today...

These are the "tadpoles" Cain received in the mail..... Lane told me this evening that these "ticks were going to turn into frogs"











This is the elevator I was stuck in yesterday... yep really, I stood in there quit awhile, even going to different floors trying to figure out why the door would not open.... Then a kind man pushed the button on the other side and poof open sesame... little embarrassed lol...

What I am grateful for today:
My family, and there health.... My husband working hard in the terrible hot sun.... My kids and I laughing in the kitchen and just being goofy... My little Lane making smoothies with me...... the anticipation of great things tomorrow... and God loving me unconditionally.... It was a good day....

Day 1 To dive or not to dive....

What was I thinking???? I already feel a little isolated, of course I figured I would but I really did not think it would be so quickly.... But yea as soon as I hit the publish post button I start thinking 40 days and 40 nights are you crazy???? No outside communication (okay I still have my phone, but outside of my sister calling, all the ringing going on are just bill collectors)... What in the world was I thinking, I think I stated that I would rather go to the desert or the mountain, okay nix that... I would be crying my eyes out right now lol.... this avenue is as about as isolated as I could survive...lol... desert, I must have been delirious when I said that.... but here we are day 1 of 40 whew.... did some bible reading last night, but I find myself procrastinating a little, knowing God and I are going to be working out some serious issues here... so I am standing on the end of the diving board bouncing a little, waiting to dive... wondering if maybe I should get my feet wet in the baby pool first....lol

I am going on a 40 day 40 night Hiatus...

I previously posted a scripture in reference to there being a time for everything. I have struggled for months in an array of areas trying what ever necessary to prevent the downward spiral of our current situation, with no avail. I have pounded on doors, pleaded on the phone, cried myself into depression, and laughed my way back out of it again... It is in these times in our lives that we ask "God what do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go? How do you want me to get there?" Sometimes God needs us to be so transparent and so broken down that the only place to go is up.... and I am speaking spiritually here... I find myself at a crossroads, and it is between God and myself.... I need him, I need him all day, in every decision, around every corner... God has made it so clear.... many things that should have happened have not, things that shouldn't have happened, have... Everything I try is a bust... Why? because I am trying to stay in control of all of them, I am trying to solve them, and I have to let go of all of it and allow God to take the wheel... Sometimes stubbornness allows me to almost lose my mind in an attempt in fix something. Pride takes hold as well. Control, oh how I love control... I like to know where my next meal is coming from, if I will have a vehicle in a month or a week, I find comfort in knowing the gas and electric will not be disconnected, cuz cold showers just suck and toaster made muffins are just not the same. The need for comfort drives the need for control, so much so that I am disconnected with him... Don't get me wrong, I pray, plead, bargain with God, but I still battle my flesh too much... so hiatus it is for me.... Me and God that is... we have some things to work out... so I have removed my page counter, cuz it doesn't matter if a single soul reads this or not.. It is my journal, my journey and it is between him and I for forty days and forty nights... I will disable comments and you are free to leave an e-mail but I will not be checking that either until day 41. No facebook or myspace or website (that will be a tough one) for 40 days and 40 nights.... Yep just God and Me.... I would love to try the, go off to the desert or mountain version, but I have a family so this will be my avenue... and of course my avenue will include my family pics, my daily thoughts as well as my moments of humor... Cuz I truly believe God has a strong sense of humor. After all he created me lol.. To my dear friends that I am in contact with through these avenues, I am sorry that I will not be able to reply to you until day 41, but who knows I may write about you.... Yep you get a break from me lol... so here my journey begins day 1.... see look there, I already had to re edit this cuz I forgot to disable the comment box whew this is going to be a long 40 days.... but God has assured me well worth it....