It's Okay to stumble...

Right when I think I am doing really really good is when I stumble... I guess it is a good way of keeping myself in check... I have given all control up to God, well at least I think I have, I think I probably hold onto to it a bit here or there, but for the most part I think I have handed it over... In this life, I am not in control... It is not in my hands....  I do not control Lane's health... I can take him to the doctors, scrub nebs cups, do treatments but in the end I am not in control of this situation.... I have no control over finances.... Or anything else.. Sometimes that feels good, cause I don't worry about it, I hand it all over to God and let him handle it, and well at other times I stumble thinking I somehow have control over it, when in reality I don't.... I start drowning in the humiliation, and just want to resolve the situation without going any further... I get tired and just want all this to be over with, knowing that it never will..  We have signed up for the long haul and we have excepted that and have handed it over to God...

yet I stumble...

and I am learning to be grateful for it....

This is not my disease, at times I act like it is.... I throw my fit, and stomp my feet, and weep for my precious son... But it is his disease...

There are times he just HATES this disease, he hates treatments... He stomps his feet, and throws his fit, and weeps over having this permanent roommate that just causes him grief... and sometimes he is just plan sick and tired of it... and he stumbles...   

Now one could argue that he stumbles because I stumble.... And that I must keep it together all the time so that he keeps it together all the time....

But I would argue that "I" stumble so that I can "SEE" he stumbles too..... He gets tired too, He gets sad and angry and frustrated about it too.. And that is OKAY....

As long as you are able to quickly pick yourself back up and move on, it is okay to fall apart.. It is okay to not be Okay all the time....

It is okay that he throws a fit, stomps his feet and yells at the thought of yet ANOTHER treatment... Its not fair, its not fun, its not OKAY...

and sometimes he just needs to know it is okay to stumble, as long as he picks himself back up and forges on...

Who ever said  they have to be brave ALL the time... yes there is no doubt, these children are MADE TOUGH, with an extra dose of courage, strength, fight, and determination.. but they also need to stumble...

I am grateful that I stumble, so I can "SEE" it is okay for him to stumble too....

The CF Made boy made not one....but TWO HOMERUNS.....

Yes I know it is about baseball again.... But I can not help it.... Lane got two homeruns in his game and he is on cloud nine.... Yep the CF Made boy just got himself TWO HOMERUNS... I know we may talk alot about sports, but there was a reason God placed in Lane's heart the overwhelming desire for baseball..... I have come to be soooo grateful for that desire, it just may be his desire for baseball that saves his life..... It is the best lung therapy and exercise he could get to keep himself as healthy as possible, and as far as Lane is concerned when he steps on that field, cf doesn't exist..... He is there to win... with or without CF.... (okay so he is also a little competitive, no harm in that lol lol) I know that every CF child is different, and sports may not be possible for everyone, but if it is possible I want to encourage every CF parent to step back and let their perfectly CF Made Children Shine.... God made no mistakes, he made them tough and he has gifted them all with extraordinary talents.... So listen to their hearts, find their talents and let them SHINE ON.....they have a story to tell....

Soccer The Safer Choice.... So I thought...

Football or Soccer... Yes that was the decision, well actually I wouldn't mind gymnastics, I think Lane would love gymnastics, but my husband is not really sold on that one. Anyways Football or Soccer???

Well our other boys played football starting at age four (kinda serious around this small town) and if I read it correctly tackle now starts in the first grade (which in my opinion is a little well INSANE, but who am I just a mom)..... Okay so the other boys did the rough tough expected boy thing, and were actually both pretty good at it, but guess what now in high school both want nothing to do with it.... I don't mind since my memories of football don't exactly leave me with a warm cozy feeling......

So I felt Soccer was a better fit for Lane, since I am not ready to let him (if my memory serves me correctly) be tackled legally or illegally, sucker punched, cleated, gut kicked, and dog piled.. All in the name of football... Now this may be different these days, but since they lowered the age for tackle, I would not bank on it... so yep I thought soccer would better fit my Lane.....

Now my Lane is CF Made, which if you didn't know what that means, it makes him far more durable than the average thrill seeker.... I am aware that he often feels he possesses super natural powers that allow him to engage in unsafe situations such as diving in the baby pool or down bleachers, and I am also aware that it really takes ALLOT before he breaks, he HATES crying in front of people.... So after an altercation at soccer practice, the tears should have been a clear indicator that he really was hurt, but he has been exhausted lately... Kindergarten has worn him out, and cranky has become our evening routine, so I just thought he was cranky... oops until practice ended and we start to walk to the truck... bham my son is sportin two huge goose eggs, one on each eyebrow.... result of head bunts (which for whatever reason continue to occur)... Seriously I was like, "why my kid".... not that I would want another kid to be sportin horns, but I really think my CF Made kid has given me enough to worry about.... God made no mistake allowing me the time to spiritually mature before blessing me with Lane.... And I often wonder what God was thinking when he entrusted me with such huge responsibility.... Obviously God felt he had prepared me for all blessing this child will bring me, but my heart is often in my throat..... I often feel I am riding through life on the edge of my seat... Between my daughter graduating this year, teaching my oldest son drivers ed, and my CF Made son, God is really putting to much confidence in me lol :) My First Soccer Practice....

Sportin Horns.... The innocent pony at the fair, that I was prayin my son didn't spur.... He continued to try riding the poor pony like a bull, and with no hands.....

My Dirty Durable CF Made Snow ( I mean Dirt) Angel...

So here is my CF Made snow angel... Yes, at my daughter's regional softball games, my son yelled " Hey mom, look I am making a snow angel" I glance over to see my son stirring up the dirt and rocks (after floating in bathtub for an hour he still has sand stuck to his scalp) as he waves his arms and legs with such pride... Of course I cant help but bust out laughing since this is the first snow angel I have been given made from dirt.... Which also adds a terrible night for breathing I might add since all that dirt ends up in his nose, sinuses and everywhere else... oh and don't miss the nice bloody fat lip my CF Made Dirt Angel is sportin from taking a face dive to the bottom bleacher.... Yep he is definitely my dirty durable little CF Made Angel keeping me on my toes as always..

CF Made...

So I have learned that my son is CF made, which is what I refer to as durable...lol... whether diving into a pool, or taking a baseball or two or three to the face, he seems to have a high pain tolerance... Something I have come to realize God has issued CF children a little more of... So his CF made body and his love for life sends him up my fence.... Will I ever get a break from the ER I wonder?? Yes today I was spared, Thank you Jesus, for my heart can take only so many... I am wondering if all the over the top number of crazy things that happen to him, is to some how out weigh the CF.... hmmmm Food for Thought.... And yes I have survived boys (we have two in high school) but this one is going to do me in... This one is dangerously invincible... Or as I say CF Made...