I am done, spent, and I want OUT...

Okay so I know there aren't very many reading of this blog out there anyway, and for those of you who are out there, you might want to skip this one, cuz it is just going to be a big ol fat pity party unedited...  This is my blog and the whole reason I started it was for my own sanity, a place for me to journal and so you have been warned...

I am spent, done, I want out.. I didn't choose this  - this life of medical chaos, humiliation, and grief and I want out... I have learned enough already to last my life time... I have desperately tried to stay positive and take all the blows that have come, but i AM human and can only handle so much... and when the scale tips a little too much at one moment - BAM !!! It all comes flooding over me - my emotions are a mess, all over the place..


I want God to stand in front of me, I want to physically feel his hug, I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I AM NOT ALONE.... I want to SEE him stop the swoop me up from the enemy... I want to be protected....


Part of me is so confused as to why us... We tried to live good lives, we tried to be good people and we have not just been given a sentence we have been given a LIFE SENTENCE... It never ends, it never goes away, and it never will...

Money truly is the root of ALL evil... and we have tried desperately to get to where we can financially survive with Lane's disease... and we gave up everything, the new car, the nice new truck, my career... My pride.. my self esteem and self respect... EVERYTHING for this disease and we are trying to file bankruptcy in order to survive... Only that isnt free either..... and I dont say this lightly either because quite honestly it is humiliating... We still owe 2000 in order to file, and I know that eventually we will be able to get there but in the meantime we just need a little compassion and understanding... Most of the companies have worked with us and have been very kind as to not pursue us legally knowing that we are trying to file bankruptcy... Obviously if my husbands check is garnished then it puts off the filing even longer, not to mention we are choosing between food and prescriptions/co-pays at this point and there is just NOTHING left... For reals nothing....  But apparently a local (I live in a small small town of 7000) finance company just cant  show any compassion at ALL.... over 1000 dollars they just have to proceed and served me the papers earlier today... and above all I don't have the heart to tell my husband.... He works so hard to try and support us through all of this and never really complains.... He doesn't deserve to be humiliated like that.... I couldnt help myself and I called the company, and had to vent a little telling her I hope she NEVER has to know what this life is like with a chronically sick child. Of course I should have never called because she was simply just COLD and that only makes me doubt humanity in general...I hope she never has to know what it is like to loose everything, to count change for prescriptions, I hope NO one does, no even me... but here I am..

oh man... Now we just spent the day at baptist yesterday for Lane's appts. and we were going over some options with a social worker and I was starting to see a light at he end of the tunnel... She was sharing with me some options with Social Security and Tefra ( all which I will share when I am sane) and I really started to feel better about the future and medical bills, Lane got some of his enzymes up'd in hope to help with stomach aches and of course he stayed home again today because of his stomach.... I was really handling it all with smile, and then in one second it just feels like the roof caves in... I know in the big picture that this is pretty trivial but it just so sucks being kicked while your down.... and now my face is just red and  puffy, my head hurts and I am tired.... so very tired...

I am grateful though for the days on the beach, and a week in paradise, all the people with Make-a-Wish have no idea the break from reality that gave us all...  No idea at all, and of course I am anxious to send them picture and such only yep you guessed it, gotta get some money first... I am just tired, really really tired and probably depressed..

I know God will carry me through this as well and I know that he loves me and will provide, but I would really like to offer him a suggestion.... It is called "Flat Burdens" kinda like "Flat Tax", you know all the burdens are EQUALLY distributed amongst all the humans cuz I really think I am  being dealt way way more than my share, and besides when we suffer a little and go through things we learn compassion right, so then the cold lady at the finance company may not have been SO COLD....

Well all that venting and i am still not sure I feel any better, probably because I still have to tell my husband....

"Hope means to keep living amid desperation and to keep humming in the darkness" Henri J.M. Nouwen